Never Attached

I am going to share some personal emails between me and Ian's new mom.  I know alot of you out there are curious.  More importantly I want to share for others who may have or are thinking about disrupting an adoption.  These emails were sent a couple of months ago.

My beginning email to her:

Subject: Visit

The kids have asked if they will ever be able to visit with Ian again.  I have put them off with a “we’ll see” each time they ask to go visit Ian.  Finally this weekend, they asked if they would EVER really get to see Ian again.  I want to be able to give them an honest answer now. 

Do you feel like a meeting together with everyone at a park would be doable?  I know the kids want to see him, but I don’t want to cause your family any extra grief.  So thought I would ask what you thought about it?

--

D

 

Her reply:

 

D,

I want you to know that we take your request very seriously and I don't want my response in any way to be conceived as flippant or insensitive.  R and I have talked about this and we have prayed about it.  Our response to a request for a visit is that it would not be appropriate in the forseeable future.  Our concern is what is in Ian's best interests and is based on how he has processed all that has happened.

Ian has chosen to deal with things by compartmentalizing and closing off the past.  He is 100% focussed out the front windshield and in his mind the rear view mirror doesn't work!  I don't want to say anything hurtful but I think it is important that you know the truth.  He does not talk about you or your family.  He has not once mentioned or asked about the other children.  I know that sounds weird but it is the way he is working through things.  After he came to us, he would get very mad if someone called him Ian Str8t.  And, it isn't just you all.  I've tried to keep in touch with Rob, but Ian wants nothing to do with him.  I had told him that Rob wanted to Skype with him before he left for China and he said "no", but I thought he would change his mind when Rob was actually online but Ian refused to talk to him.  After Kobe left, Ian has never mentioned him again.  Ian did tell me a few weeks ago that he is having nightmares about China and the fear of having to move again to another family scares him.  I try and try to reassure him that he is with us forever, but as you can imagine it is going to take a while for him to fully believe and trust that statement. 

All of that said, he is happy and well-adjusted.  He feels 100% at home.  He loves N and J and they love him.  They have become a true little trio and play together wonderfully.  Ian is NOT the same boy we brought home.  I think if you could be a fly on the wall, you would probably not even recognize that he is the same child.

We are simply not willing to open old wounds and force him to deal with things he is not ready to deal with.  What you need to know is that we care very much about your family and think of you and pray for you often. 

Blessings,

T

 

 

To which I replied:

 

Subject: Re: Visit

Although it is tough to digest after everything we put in to bringing him here, it is just more confirmation that he was not attached to us at all.  And that we made the right decision to disrupt, and more importantly that God led us to the right family for him to thrive in.  Happy to hear that everyone is doing well.

I hope that one day you will explain to him that we didn't just forget about him and go on about our lives like he was never here.  I hope he will one day come to understand that even though his past is filled with hurts and what feels like rejection, that he knows that we were part of God's plans to get him home to his true forever family.

Hope you guys are enjoying your summer together.
------

D

 

Her final response:

 

D,

I'm sure it is tough to digest as it was tough for me to even type that message.  I think you know us and our hearts well enough that we only want to do what is best for Ian and we are just trying to follow his lead. 

Certainly, we will always tell him that your family was an important part of his life and how you made sure that he found his forever family.  We are forever grateful to you for everything that you did for Ian.  We will be happy to continue to send pictures and updates any time you guys want them. 

------

 

 

So as you can see, some tough stuff.  Disrupting an adoption is permanent...for everyone, including the siblings.  S has had the hardest time with not seeing or communicating with him.  Since I have told her that we will not be able to visit, she has asked a lot less frequently.  Her little heart is finally beginning to heal I believe.  The other kids ask about him every now and then, but it is rare. 

 

Now whether or not I "agree" with the way she is handling his past, well that doesn't really matter now.  I am fully convinced though that my instincts were correct and that we did the best thing we could do for Ian to have a better future.  A future in THEIR family...not ours.

 

This is the pic from his first day of school this year.