Do Adoptees Have Unique Needs?

Sherrie just shared some great reminders for me as an adoptive parent.  S is starting to ask some of the tough questions, so this comes at a perfect time.  Sherrie's website is here and filled with a lot of great information for parents.   Here are some things that my girls will all need:

  

Emotional Vulnerabilities:

• I need help in recognizing my adoption loss and help with grieving it.
• I need to be assured that my birth parent's decision not to parent me had nothing to do with anything defective in me.
• I need help in learning how to deal with my fears of rejection-to learn that absence doesn't mean abandonment or a closed door to an opportunity that I have done something wrong.
• I need permission to express ALL my adoption feelings and fantasies.

Educational Needs:

• I need to be taught that adoption is both wonderful and painful, presenting life-long challenges for everyone involved.
• I need to know my adoption story first, then my birth story and birth history.
• I need to be taught healthy ways for getting needs met.
• I need to be taught that others may make hurtful comments about adoption and about me as adoptee.
• I need to be taught that the hurtful words are usually well-intentioned and borne out of ignorance.
• I need to be taught specific ways to respond, in order to take my power back and not feel victimized. (Suggestion: The Wise-Up Workbook, by Marilyn Schoettle, M.Ed.)

Parental Needs:

• I need parents that are skillful in meeting their own emotional needs so that I can grow up with healthy role models and be free to focus on my development, rather taking care of them (by Connie Dawson, LPC).
• I need parents that are willing to put aside pre-conceived ideas about adoption and be educated about the realities and special challenges adoptive families encounter.
• I need to hear my parents openly express feelings about infertility and adoption, thus producing a bond of intimacy between us.
• I need parents who have grieved their own losses, such as infertility, miscarriage, death of a child, etc., so that they can be emotionally available for me. This is one of the greatest gifts they could give me.
• I need a non-competitive attitude between adoptive and birth parents. Without this, I will struggle with loyalty issues.

Relationship Needs:

• I need friendships with fellow adoptees.
• I need to be taught that there is a time to consider searching for my birth family and a time to give up searching.
• I need to be assured often that if I am rejected by my birth relatives, it is symptomatic of their dysfunction, not mine.